"fire dragon"

Artificial Heart

Packers vs Seahawks

I'm watching the football game

I don't even know who I am anymore

Fever Dream 3

I swam in four inches of water

you had green clay on your face

I smeared chocolate,
or was it hemp clay,
or was it shit,
all over mine

Fever Dream 2

I stand and move
outrageous
the tip of my tongue like a lost cow
the jewel between my breasts sparkling testament
I stand and move on soft feet
raid cabinets
pass gas
turn my shirt inside out
deny everything
I stand and move through a black house
sleeping standing up
fever has me in its arms
I wish I could stand and move in the dark
move from this bed to the perfect
one
where perfect arms fold around me
brush sweaty bangs off
 my forehead
and I disappear
all the pain leaking out like sweat
outrageous
I am 30 years old.
I am busted up broken
unacceptable
I've run out of beds
I'm hungry,
nothing to eat

Broken Records

cardboard glue
  feathers glass to bone white paper
pearl wood
wax is paint ink

fire if gold

somebody gray
black you.

9

1. I could stand it in so much anger
So much anger in such a small body
Standing in the doorway in such a small body
How can I stand there in the doorway

2. I used to sing really sad songs to my mom
Like Sunrise Sunset
and Somewhere Out There
and The Boxer

3. How could I stand there with so much fury?
So much fury in such a little body
Such a little body standing in the doorway
How could I stand there in the doorway?
Probably best to just leave me alone then.
Probably best to just leave me alone then.
Probably best to leave me alone, then.

4. Things get confused for me, easily
In my first dream a creepy old man melted
my brother and his whole boy scout troop
into quicksilver and reformed them as robots
and sent them out to destroy the world
and I watched through a crack in the doors
I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?

5. In the door in such a small body
Telling him to choose
Me or the computer
In the door
in such a small body 
Things get confused for me.

6.  My mom didn't sing me to sleep
I sang to her and stayed up all night
watching the shadows. You have to choose what you love.
You have to decide what you love.

You need to decide what you like.

7. This next part is the part I can't talk about
not even to you
The next part is the part that I can not talk about it
Not once, 

8. 



9.  

  
I stand there, with so much anger

So much anger such a small body 
Door body so small

How can I stand there in the doorway

(The things for me confused, easily   
best, worst, mother, child, caring, violate
Wrong, right, want, do not want, like, do not like 
I'm sorry, what we're talking about again?)

Things for me confused, easily 

This next part is the part that I can not talk about it
not once,I used to sing songs really sad for my mother
Friend, lover, brother, best killer
As sunset sunrise
Best, worst, mother, child, caring, break
And somewhere
Wrong, wrong, like, do not want to, like, do not like
 And everywhere
And Boxer
I'm sorry that we're talking about again?

 

putter

steady heady hum drum dum bones dum beat dum bell some hell some hum somewhere
some loss somewhere sometime back there backbeat back street back bay black day
black love black heart little bust shitty bus sitting tough standing tough tough tough tough tough
tough tough tough tough suck it up fuck it up suck it up fuck it up suck it up fuck it up suck it up fuck it up
so tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough
tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough tough
tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut TUT
tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut tut TUT
stick it out suck it up heat the beat fall asleep lose your feet lose your mind lose your heart lose the rhyme
lose the beat lose some sleep rub your feet and call a friend or maybe have something nice like some yogurt or a honey stick or something

Dance Gives Nothing Back

endless spinning
cellular earthquakes
stacks of playbills
no paychecks
no leaps left
no stops, no drops, no rolls,
why do everything
why imagine everything
there's no family in a company
there's no home in a full house
playing a 15 year game of Charades
my phrase was "love me"

fever dream

In my dream
In my body
my body
still coming through

Labyrinth

I've had to labyrinth my body to
make madness make sense. Now I'm
trying to untangle. I know a labyrinth
is beguiling. Believe me, I'm meant to
get lost in here. It's filled with countless
rooms filled with treasure boxes filled with
bottles filled with feathers. But then
what? What did you ever want from
a maze but the organization of insanity?

When you sneak up on the pain
it bites you but there's almost always
another blind alley to duck down, a
monster waving its arms, a ceiling so
high it seems like it doesn't exist,
a hard dirt-packed floor. Walls that
are cracked creaked mossy and moist.
Sometimes an old stone fountain, sometimes
the walls are bushes. Who knows? Where
does this go? When you're approaching
center sometimes you find yourself back
at the very edge. Love looks like loss. Loss
looks like love. We're meant to get lost in this love.

But when you tire of love that always feels like loss or always
leads to loss, tire of labyrinthine logic and the loneliness of
loving lacklusterly or overly lustily, when you don't want to
feel like a little girl climbing around in a pit, digging a
labyrinth to make living underground make sense, when you
want to climb up above ground and taste the light on your
face, understand down and up and family and tree and
truth and honesty and loyalty, when you
long for your big coming out, the revelation of your
freaky side, which is, hilariously, calm, practical and reliable,

when you are ready to stand, small and simple and
a little dizzy in your own truth, then today is the
day to make your own home, make your own
famiy. Today is the day to take the arm of someone
worthy of you and hold on tight and let tears fall and
let ache ache and reveal your own sadness to your own self.
Then you can be your own best friend, standing in a green
grassy field, tree in the distance. Then you can hold your
own hand. Then you can reach out for someone else's
hand. Then love and loss are not tangled together. They
are simply what they are. Love is love. Loss is loss.

expected to be silvery white but soft

stripping

A labyrinthine overcoat of sentiment and unwashed goats and lost love notes and dead end roads seen dropped at the scene of burst seams and bursitis, the worst dreams that incite us to walk on our knees while the earth underneath rumbles solemn, rumbles deep, crumbles promise, stumbles honest, fuck the majesty of madness, fuck the mazes that we weave to make ourselves as kings and queens. I was never a wizard and I've hated to jump since before I could dance so why did I wind myself up like a goddess? I was a child, so were you; not a monster, not a dead end, not a rapist, not a legend. They fucked us; fucked us up; sprouted us like beans in a styrofoam cup, tossed us on compost made of money and lost hope, now I'm broke up on big rocks taking off my overcoat,
a labyrinthine overcoat of
sentiment and
unwashed goats and
lost love notes and
dead end roads
seen dropped at the
scene of
burst seams and
bursitis,
the worst dreams that
incite us to
walk on our knees while
the earth underneath
rumbles solemn,
rumbles deep,
crumbles promise,
stumbles honest.
Fuck the majesty of madness.
Fuck the mazes that
we weave to make ourselves as
kings and queens.

I was never a wizard and
I've hated to jump since before
I could dance
so why did I wind myself up like a
goddess? I was a child,
so were you; not a
monster, not a
dead end, not a
rapist, not a
legend.

They fucked us;
fucked us up;
sprouted us like beans in a
styrofoam cup
tossed us on compost made of
money and lost hope.

Now I'm broke up on
big rocks,
taking off
my overcoat.

7. UNEXPECTED

I wrote this poem backwards
Not fucking sorry at all
I'm not sorry at all
you know what
sprawling
like ice crystals across glass
the careless way they pile up
And I can only think of music notes
When I'm falling for you
There are those moments
on the daily 
I experience earthquakes
between stay-go-stay-go-stay-go
I'm vibrating
because I don't know how to go forwards
I am writing this poem backwards
the heat length and strength of you
like the longing of my body for the curve of you
the crystals that work in their own nighttime logic
trace the labyrinth of ice
fear misdirection
and I love longing
because I never saw you coming
I will write this poem backwards
The heart moves to its own beat
Can't direct a fractal
What can you do