Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Why I Married Myself... (and this ain't a poem, not really)

On this day,
many years ago i married myself

because that morning the sky opened up and it rained butterflies
because the drums called my name
the names i was given at birth
and mariposa
the name i gave myself
all the names i've been called
and the names i refuse to repeat
all of who i am heard
because my heart was enraptured with my own being
because I was in love with life
i married myself

because after years of questioning my own worth / i realized i was worthwhile
because behind my pretty face / i was enraged / and engaged
in a fight to the death with demons
who sought to oppress and annihilate me
because winning is the only option
i married myself

because the sky rang music
and rolls of thunder echoed the voice of my ancestors
because the four directions, the sun and the moon wanted to be acknowledged
because in the face of so many choices
the honest choice was me

and music

because i wanted to have my cake
and eat it too
and did
a three layered cake
with only the bride on top
negrita como yo

because i wanted to gather at least one hundred members
of my family and friends
and throw a big party
and did
and a fabulous party
it was

because i didn't wanted bridesmaids but warrior women goddesses
twenty one in all
and one warrior woman of honor
the woman who was born with me
into this world
and we marched in
not a slow death march
to sound of organs
but to the sound of life
drum drum
drum drum

because i wanted to conduct a mass wedding for single women
who wanted to vow with me to love / honor and cherish themselves
and celebrate their lives and all the people in it

because i wanted to dance with my father / the father - daughter dance
(unforgettable...that's what you are, the Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole version..and we both cried)
and my mother and madrinas
(salty was there and madrina and mami and we danced to vivir la vida)
and my brother and sisters
(and i'll be lovin you always...Stevie... oh what a moment it was!)

and because i wanted to mock the whole charade
and oh i did!
had pictures taken of me putting on lipstick in the mirror
(my mother: hurry up your guests are waiting!
me: it's my wedding and i'm nervous. don't rush me! i'm the bride!
my mother: well i'm the mother of the bride and i'm nervous too! hurry up!)

because i wanted to do something crazier than marrying someone else
because i wanted gifts
new panties
something old
something new
something borrrowed
something blue

oh! and we danced
and partied
and released doves into the south bronx sky!

and it was real!
i did it! i tied the knot!
celebrated my life and everyone in it!
oh! there were celebrities
and anybody who was anybody
in the south bronx was there!

part ritual
part performance
part mockery
real nonetheless
all art
all me
all beautiful
and fun
and fabulous
my wedding day to myself

because there is no such thing as being jamona
or a spinster or an old maid
or unwanted or unloved
because it's impossible to really love anyone
until you can truly love yourself
because prince charming was never gonna come
and shining knights on white horses only exist in fuckin fairytales
because this life of mine is blessed
because the heart of this woman beats with passion
because my hips swing to the song of freedom
because butterflies are free and free forever
because i am a woman
who is free
and never alone
the obvious choice
was to marry myself